Feeling like Crap…

Exactly that… I want people to read this… to know how exactly i feel… but I warn you…it’s not pretty! Venture further into this post at your own risk. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

Oh heck with it…!

You’d think God would’ve had enough fun seeing the pain we all go through in life and care for us enough to willing to end it. It’s not happening the way I see it.

Oh no.. no it certainly doesn’t. If I sound like I’m rambling incoherently…you’re darned right…I just downed four cans of beer.

Can’t help feeling scared about my family, which seems to me to be like string puppets with the MIGHTY ONE upstairs pulling the strings like a pro-puppeteer.

Fuck it…I’m so darn tired of it all. Feeling like this all the time whenever problems come my way and my family’s way. I hate being the youngest and I certainly hate being the only son. My life’s a mess from the way I see it. Hadn’t accomplish anything worth mentioning in the entire 23+ years of my life. I can’t even do anything to help my sister who’s got her business to run and taking of two sick kids.

Why does it have to happen this year… of all years!!! You know…I had it with everything right now. I just wanna abandon ship, I don’t want to be wrecked over again and again by a pityless God! I really believe that it’s true now that religion is almost always the root of everyone’s problems. If there hadn’t been religions at all, we wouldn’t be fighting one another over stupid trivial things and be wrecked over with guilt about sin and worried shitless over where we will go afterlife.

I’m so not up for this yet. Hell, I’ll leave this for another day…all that I have in my mind right now are my beautiful nephew and niece. My mom and I are so sick with worry for them. I wish I had the decency to not tell her about the deaths in Sarawak in 1997. that just made her scared all the more. Shit me.

I got an assignment to do tomorrow… if I can bring myself to do it. I’m just feeling so zonked out right now. Onto my fifth can of beer. Stay tune for tomorrow folks… for more crazy rabid ramblings from a tortured Wanderer…yeah that’s me.



  1. Hi, Philip:

    I found your new blog via your former one. I’m so sorry to hear that you and your family are continuing to go through such hard times. I hope that Joshua and Emma recover fully and quickly. I’m sure you’re being a comfort to your mother and sisters and all. Sometimes, especially after a series of calamities, it can sure seem like “… the MIGHTY ONE upstairs …” is either vengeful or indifferent or doesn’t even exist. As for religions, well, remember that religions are human-made. Sometimes it’s tempting to want to “throw out the baby with the bathwater”, dismissing God along with the religions humans have created.
    Hang in there, as best that you can. Keep close to your family members. Love & be loved. Know that you’re remembered and cared about. Hugs to you. Mark.

  2. Sora

    Dear, dear Philip, the first order of business is to set down that fifth can. Now, come over here so I can wrap a big hug around you. (oh wait, that would be a bit of a reach wouldn’t it?) Well, I’m envisioning holding you in a tight loving embrace; I hope somehow you can feel it, in spirit if not physically.

    I was always taught that God does not put insurmountable obstacles in front of us. What lies ahead of us is often meant to be a test of character. Now turn around. You see that tiny speck fading in the distance? That’s youthful oblivion falling further behind you. Sad that we have to lose it along the way, but there you go.

    Don’t be afraid to utilize your support system, your network of friends and family. One of them possibly has encountered a circumstance similar to yours; seek out advice from them. Wisdom begins with a question.

    If you can arrange it, take a day off, find a quiet spot where you can be alone and away from distractions and think. Sometimes one just needs the chance to think without worry over obligations and deadlines to find a solution or just priortize.

    Big warm hugs to you, dear friend.


    There is a place we’ll go
    Where there is mostly quiet
    Flowers and butterflies
    A rainbow lives beside it

    And from a velvet sky
    A summer storm
    I can feel the coolness in the air
    But i’m still warm

    And then a mighty roar
    Will start the sky to crying
    Not even lightning
    Will be frightening my lion

    And with no fear inside
    No need to run,
    No need to hide
    You’re standing strong and tall
    You’re the bravest of them all
    If on courage you must call
    Then keep on tryin’…..and tryin’…..and tryin’
    You’re a lion
    In your own way be a lion!

  3. Heck, don’t worry too much, that’ll just make *you* sick! Make a nice get well card. Write a paper letter to your government rep requesting that full attention be given to stopping this outbreak. Research public health in Sarawak. Maybe there needs to be more attention given to epidemiology. Hang loose.

  4. Thanks guys! I really appreciate your concerns and all that. For now, I’ll try to do what I can to ensure my sister and his family are alright. Getting such a serious disease is a very scary thing at such an age and its really sad that my sister had to go through such pain. I hope to God that all things will be well in the comng days.

    Thankfully, the government is paying heed to this disease. They are doing all they can right now to ensure the appropriate measures are taken to curb this outbreak. The sad thing is that there isn’t any medication available for this kind of disease, so, they have to let the kids to sit it out.

    Hopefully, the kids have strong immune systems or the virus is not that strong. So far, Joshua has made it through half of the quanrantine period with another four more days to go to see if he has made full recovery. As for my niece, she’s just started. Long week ahead…

  5. Hey you…
    Life sometimes deals us shitty cards (to put it mildly) and when that happens, we question ourseleves and God. We wonder why me? Why not someone else who deserves it, after all haven’t I let a pretty decent life??? This will usually be followed by more questions and anger and resentment… and more often than not self-destrcution in the form of drinking (no more beers for your Phil, or hard liquor!) or drugs or something totally unlike you.

    And then after that whole stage of anger and whatnots, if your belief and faith in the Lord is strong enough, you will feel peace inside of you and the knowledge that whatever happens, be it good or bad, HE will get you through it. HE will give you the stregnth and the perseverence to get through whatever it is you are facing and to help those around you as well. You will tend to wonder why??? but just know that God’s thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways not ours… we can think and drive ourseleves insane with questions that no one can answer, or we can stop asking and place our hope in Him alone.

    I may not know what you have been going through this past year, but from the pain and confusion in your posts, its seems too much for a person of any age to bear. But know that in time, these wounds will heal and you will be okay and that everything happens for a reason. Take heart in the Lord Philip, and pray… I guess thats all that we can do sometimes.

    Wishing you rainbows after this storm in your life.
    God bless.
    *DreamWeaver* aka *Joanne Wong*

  6. Hi Joanne!

    Thank you so much for words of comfort and wisdom. It really moved me and I hope He will forgive me of my doubts. It’s just been hard this year, with everything bad seem to happen to the family. I am certainly praying for relief and may the light come as soon as possibl after this moment of darkness.

    Thanks again!

  7. Samster

    Wow! So many comments and words of comfort. 🙂

  8. Chee Wei

    Hey there phil,

    Just read your post,i didn’t know… So sorry.

    I’m not very good at writting but i’ll pray that soon everything will be alrught for you and your family.
    Stay strong for your family as they need you the most now!
    You still have a long way to go, and not to mention a family to look after of and lots of things that is yet to be done!

    Be strong and take care!
    Count on us – your friends!!!
    Hugz and kisses!


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