The 10 Worst Movies of 2005

Hey, I’m no film critic and I’m certainly no filmmaker but I have enough experience studying films in college to make me qualified in giving objective and constructive criticisms about films. I’m an avid film goer and nothing gives me more pleasure than to sit in a dark cinema all by myself and get lost in the fantasy world of films. All I want most in a film to justify the RM8 to RM10 ticket is a great, meaningful story to tell that simply grips my attention and kept me riveted to the screen. You see, I’ quite easy to please… but no amount of flashing human skin, flashy explosions, flashy effects and flashy fashions are going to save a film from ending up as ‘trash’ in my book.So, my unfortunate winners of The Worst 10 Films released in Malaysia in 2005 are:

10. Zathura


Two cute warring brothers bond together to fight space aliens after one of them inadvertently send their home hurtling through space by playing a mysterious board game that makes events literally real. Much, much below the par that Jumanji has set. Same storyline. Same kind of action. Sadly, it’s pretty much a bore to me. Special effects are nothing new. Nothing to really shout about here. Pretty much junior school fare. Fit for the kiddies to enjoy or if you fancy watching adults squirm and yawn.

9. Aeon Flux


A cheap copy-cat female version of Neo… in skintight leather… in the form of Oscar-winning actress Charlize Theron could not even save this film, with its watery plots, from flowing down the drain. Do we really need more of these cheesy popcorn sci-fi action flicks to bombarde the senses of us poor cinemagoers?? I only hope that the comic version is much intelligible and the computer game is much more engaging than this sorry excuse of a film.

8. House of Wax


Interesting premise. Engaging story. Creative way of getting away with murder by the use of wax. Sadly, bad acting from a cast who thinks they look beautiful and worst still… who thinks that they can act, makes this film a much more painful thing to watch than to be covered in hot wax. Plllleeeaaasseee will someone stop mega brat Paris Hilton from gracing the public domain!!! The very sight of her really, really make me wanna barf!

7. The Fog


Bad, bad remake! I’m utterly surprised that John Carpenter, the producer of this turkey and the director of the original 1980 version, even consented to Rupert Wainwright’s boring take. Seriously, what took the ghosties in The Fog so long to take their vengeance against the ancestors of the people who murdered them?? And can you see that the ghosties seemed to be half-heartedly trying to kill our three beautiful leads (Selma Blair, Tom Welling and Maggie Grace) while they gleefully kill off the rest of the unattractive and uninteresting cast members? Doh! ’nuff said.

6. Seven Swords


After the incredibly bad Legend of Zu (2001) and the utterly forgettable Double Team (1997), you’ll think Tsui Hark would learn his lesson in making laughable action-kung fu films. He is certainly no Zhang Yimou and Chen Kaige! Unfortunately, even with Hong Kong stars such as Leon Lai, Donnie Yen and Charlie Yeung could not safe this poorly executed Chinese version of the Magnificent Seven. Instead of cowboy hats and pistols, we have hear a bunch of seven martial artists skilled with the sword swooping down from their mountain hideout to rid the earth of the cruel warlord that is decimating everything in its path. in the midst of all the grand action and fights, we see a three way love tussle and a betrayal. Yawn!

5. Stealth


A Top Gun Stealth is certainly not! Far from it! And don’t even say that this is a great action movie! Sure it has some really cool flying stunts but I rather watch cool flying stunts in Langkawi during LIMA. The only reason this film is fairly watchable to me is Oscar-winner Jamie Foxx. He is really one cool actor and a really talented one at that. Something which Jessica Biel and Josh Lucas ought to learn. Lucas still comes across as pretty wooden to me and seems to be devoid of expression. Hopefully, Lucas will do better in next year’s Poseidon, in which he is headlining alonside much more established and talented stars such as Kurt Russell, Richard Dreyfuss and Emmy Rossum. Stealth certainly deserves better.

4. Bewitched


Yet another poor remake. This could hardly even qualify as a remake. More like paying a homage to the classic TV series. Director Nora Ephron should really stick to doing sweet, memorable romance films for which she is much more popular for. Bewitched hardly qualifies as a love story between a witch and a normal human guy. Will Ferrell tries hard to be funny but he is certainly not. He’s much better and funnier in Anchorman (2004) but comes across as a pompous bastard whose head is too big for his own good. Nicole Kidman’s nose comes into the spotlight once more since her infamous prosthetic nose in The Hours (2002) that won her an Oscar for Best Actress. Here, she twitches her nose as a means of casting her spells. Somehow, i much prefer the way Elizabeth Montgomery did it in the 60s.

3. Elektra


One thing’s for sure. It’s better for Elektra to stay dead in the poor adaptation of Marvel Comics’ Daredevil. The only good thing about this film is the way Jennifer Garner fits into the bloody hot, skintight, fiery red outfit. Storywise… its utterly boring, considering that I cannot help but fantasise the epic battle between Kill Bill‘s The Bride and Elektra during much of this film in the cinema. No doubt as to who won hands down!

2. Doom


Ugh, ugh and ugh! I must warn you that this film is utterly detestable and it only besmirches the good name of a legendary computer game! Even Resident Evil fared much better this shameless ‘The Rock’ vehicle. All the actors are weak in their roles, no chance for them to flex their acting muscles as they are all busy blasting aliens into smithereens. There’s really nothing, nothing at all, that is worth capturing the attention of the viewers. Most likely the worst film The Rock has ever been in… besides The Scorpion King.

1. Dukes of Hazzard


No contest at all. This is definitely the worst movie I have ever seen… not just this year alone but in my entire life… well ok… Glitter was the worst movie I had ever seen in my life but Hazzard certainly came really close (thankfully, I steered clear of Britney Spear’s Crossroads). Jessica Simpson is totally sooooooo NOT hot at all. She simply does nothing but try to flaunt her assets in ridiculously tight fitting clothes and her role is nothing more than attempting to draw unwitting male audiences to part with their cash to watch this Turkey of the Year. Pathetic! I don’t know if the cult hit 60’s TV series (another one!!) is just as bad, i never watched it and I don’t think I want anything to do with the Hazzards ever again! It’s much, much too hazardous (pun unashamedly intended) for my health and sanity!

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Well, there you go, folks! This list was much harder to do as I had seen quite a lot of turkeys this year instead of gems. I basically steered clear of Asian horror because they definitely don’t hold much interest to me. And not to mention some campy Hong Kong comedy films too. But these 10 are definitely bad, bad, bad in my books and I am soooo gonna steer clear of them. Over my dead body will anyone attempt to drag me to watch these silly films again!

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